Of course I am sad. Sadder than I thought possible. When I think of the future: the hopes and dreams Josh had (and I had for him) it feels like a piece of my soul is missing.
Thursday was Joshua’s memorial. It was, for me, a moment that counted. There were many, many people who got that but also – and this is why I feel like such a fool – many people who had sent me “anything you need” messages through the year that were missing.
We drove home from Durban on Thursday and I told Shannon that I didn’t like to think of Josh Resting in Peace. His reply to me was – of course he isn’t resting in peace. He is at the front. Causing trouble.
“Cardiac patients seem to notice all the risks in the world,” she said. “Often they end up being afraid to do things on their own. It robs them of their independence.”
Cancer, it seems is the same.
“There’s a elephant sitting on my chest.” My words feel rushed and tangled. My tongue trips over the simplest of phrases. I’m having difficulty keeping the volume of my voice even.