When you are on the water you realise that the breeze, so constant on the beach, is a variable thing. So too my grief:
I am bobbing along on the even waves congratulating myself on how well I am coping. From the corner of my eye I catch sight of a squall. A writhing mass dimples the surface of the water. It moves fast. I have no time to prepare.
It starts in the fold of skin beneath my breasts: a tightening that rolls and boils up along my sternum to colonise my chest. It grows in speed and magnitude, spreading into my throat where its tentacles wrap themselves around my windpipe. It thrashes across my throat and my tongue, crumpling my face, bowing my head.
My hands cradle first my face and then tap, tap, tap at my forehead: a parody of the smoothing, soothing caresses I would bestow upon my son’s brow.
Even as I shudder and gasp for breath a piece of me despises this dramatic show. How melodramatic. How theatrical. I slither from my bed and close the bedroom door to avoid an audience.
Still my breath won’t come, my face stays screwed up in itself. I hiccup out my pain and my tears stream down my face.
Some times the squall passes and I go on with my day.
Sometimes only the tugboat of medication can tow me to calmer waters.
I didn’t expect it to feel like this.
Do not fight it. It takes its own time. Remember the fun times and happy memories.you will miss Joshua but he will never ever have sad and bad times again. Rejoice in that. Be as happy as you can day by day. ??
You gotta roll with it as the song goes my darling. I still find grief welling up unexpectedly 15 years later and knocking me sideways. Be kind to yourself. Thanks for exposing your vunerability
I cannot begin to comprehend the pain that you are going through. Your writing gives me a glimpse into your world and I applaud your courage in sharing your vulnerability with us. You are much loved by your family and friends, so I hope that the collective support helps you. You were sent lots of love from the coaches and mentors at the CEM conference, especially Maria xxx
It’s all stuff you are supposed to do. You have to give yourself permission to do it as it’s all part of the healing process.xxx
Don’t forget that there’s a book waiting to be written. You told me it was on Josh’s instruction. So when you’re ready, remember AAW is there to help you make it happen and I’d be more than happy to walk every step of the way with you.
Thanks Tracy! I should be back next month – was just having a wobbly day on Tuesday.
Please place me on the order list for Penny and Josh’s book 🙂
This is a perfect description. I lost my 10 week son 6 months ago and what you described is exactly what happens.
I hope these episodes do get less. One day st a time.
Thank you for sharing.