Yesterday I touched a dead body. I thought, “I can’t wait to tell Josh about this, he’ll be really curious”. Then I remembered it was his body.
There was a face Josh used to make to joke about dying. He would tuck in his chin and stick the tip of his tongue out of the right side of his lips. Yesterday, the pipe where the casualty doctor intubated him pushed Joshua’s tongue out and to the right. His chin was tucked in. Josh would have thought it was really funny that, in death, he looked like his own parody.
I woke up, this morning, and for a few moments I didn’t feel sad. It felt sort of like a normal summer morning. A wave of guilt came crashing over me. What kind of mother isn’t sad the day after her child dies? That would have really annoyed Josh. He’d want to know the purpose of feeling bad about not feeling bad.
For fifteen years I have been collecting stories for him. Little titbits about life that I know will interest or entertain him. Even as he died, I was thinking about how I’d craft this into something to tell Josh about. He’d make me write it down and, when I read it to him later, he’d say (like he did with everything I wrote) that this one was his favourite.
My heart is torn for you and your family but I know Josh fought the good fight and is now flying free.
Thank you for sharing the journey with us.
I know the journey is not complete so I look forward to more of your blogs in the future.
Strength, Light & Love to you all.
All I can offer are virtual hugs, prayers and to tell you that you and Josh have touched my heart to the core! My husband too is fighting this beast, for the last 2 1/2 years. As you know it changes your life like never thought possible. I hate this cancer!!!! It makes me so angry! I want our life back! We ALL want our lives back ?
Penny darling, you and Josh are the bravest people I know.
May his soul Rest In Peace.
I am so very sorry Penny. I wish I had some incredible wisdom to share, but all I can do is cry with you. Your son touched my heart, he was a fighter. I believe it was right around the time my husband passed, that you joined the CC caregiver group. I wanted so bad for Josh to beat the odds! I’m so sorry he will not be lighting up the world with his smile. I’m so sorry you have to experience losing a child…I’m just so sorry, my heart breaks for you.
I don’t have your wonderful ability with words except to say if I could lighten your sorrow I would. I truly believe that whatever happens to us it is far superior to this earthly life.
Penny I don’t know you but your writing touches me deeply. My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family . I hope the wonderful memories of your special Josh and all of his favorite stories ease the pain in time. You are in my thoughts
My heart goes out to you! So beautifully written and cherish the memories you had with Josh. May your writing help you through this difficult time.
I knew, knew , knew , when I saw this blog in my inbox that I didn’t want to read it. My heart sank before I read the words , and I waited for the punch line ! I so wanted it to be different ! I will never know how you feel , or what to say but I will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer ! Thank you for being so real , and for sharing your son with us through your beautiful gift of writing! We never met Josh , but we loved him… his courage , his tenacity , his wisdom, his humour! You are a wonderful mom and I pray you will find strength , and the will to face each new day , I don’t need to pray that you will find courage, because you are brave beyond comprehension. May peace fill your heart !
Soar in peace Josh.
You touched my soul. While I celebrate the life you lived & that you are now free of this earthly bullshit, I cannot help but mourn for those you have left behind.
Penny, Shannon, Chris; I am sorry.