Recently my mentor, Lee, commented that I created great video content on me living my weird. I was happy. Then she said that I didn’t tell you, dear watcher, enough about how to live your weird. I was cross.

So here is one of the many weird things to think about while I think about how I can best verbalise how you can live your weird better, too.

Leave a comment and tell me about your weird things to think about.

Here’s the transcript: (its created by an AI which is simulataniously cool and makes for some weird reading).

Weird things to think about: Cheese smuggling hats.

Well disappointing me at neither Clare Balwin nor Ricky Gervais have contacted me yet to start the gang. In the meantime, that has given me the opportunity to work on a new invention. So, if you have been paying attention, you will notice, you will know that my beloved sister-in-law, Eve been in France recently and then phoned or texted me that there had been a disaster. And the disaster being that, there was actually no space left in her suitcase, uh, to bring cheese. Which, you know, uh,… yeah… my human rights have been violated and it’s Human Rights Day here in South Africa. So, um, uh, I can’t remember whether it was Soweto riots or Shaprville riots, but anyway,

Human Rights day or as I like to call it, don’t be a dick to anybody else day. Yay! Um, but speaking of human rights, there is the whole issue of the cheese.

No one has bought the gizzard inflator

Um, yeah, we are been load shed at the moment. So those of you who are not South African load shedding is our electricity provider Eskom is having multiple problems. So essentially, over the last 20 years or so money has been siphoned out of the state electricity provider to who knows where. Um, so we kind of just have enough electricity and then of course, very annoyingly for us there has been a cyclone that’s like killed bazillions of people in Zimbabwe and Mozambique. And has also knocked out the power lines that come from the Kubota Bassa dam where a thousand megawatts of power, uh, usually comes to South Africa. You know, being the wonderful, fabulous race that we are in South Africa. Hello mom. It’s so good to see you and effect mum. You will like this one’s for you.

You’ll like this one because it’s all about cheese.

So being the wonderful nation that we are not at all worried about, the people who’s at towns have been destroyed. We just care that we don’t have power. But in our house, we have a UPS, which will doesn’t power anything except the wifii, because you know, it’s a human right to have wifi. Anyway disappointingly you will remember that Mom and I came up with a new invention recently: the gizzard inverter. Unfortunately, unless, mum has gone behind my back, no multinationals have come forth with massive offers of bazillions of dollars for the gizzards inflater, which is really disappointing. So it’s been a difficult week. You know, Ricky Gervais’ hasn’t reached out to be my best friend. Neither has Clare Balding and now I’m not a bazillionaire either.

Yet. AlthoughI do have another another plan which I will do a Facebook live about, maybe tomorrow or Saturday, but it also involves mum. Lots of involves Mum. Right. Onto the new adventure. So, with my sister in law, the evil, you know, thing that she is. Again, as, a South African, you know, she’s had a massive loss in her family. Do we care about the massive loss? No, we care about the cheese, Eve. I mean really, how hard can it be? So I have developed my latest invention, which is the cross-border. cheese smuggling hat. So let me explain to you how it works so that when you know all the, all you like bazillionaire, angel investors, he’ll watch my Facebook lives or who will someday watch my Facebook lives. This is for you.

Should we be going for Kickstarter?

So you know, you guys let me know, you know, thumbs up if you think we should be going on Kickstarter on this one. Oh yeah, that’s what it is, Mom. I’ve got to say to you, you’ve got to press like a lot and heart a lot. Um, because apparently like Facebook will allow more people to see my Facebook lives if you’ve done a heart, if you’re following. Mum that means you press the heart icon. Okay Only mum is actually watching right now. Also, I needed to come up with a use for the condoms because Shannon is doing quite a lot of international travel at the moment and has asked questions about why I have a giant sized box of Durex in the in the medical cupboard. So we are using them for our inventions at the moment.

I’ve got a whole other porn thing that I need to talk to you about.

I’m going to do that next week because, Mum, it also relates to you. I have a plan and it’s only marginally connected to porn. I mean mostly it’s connected to jacuzzis but to jacuzzis in my mind are porn. Anyway, so these, if you lived in France, which has lots of nuclear power stations, which do not, apparently require you to have companies that actually deliver coal to your coal fired power stations rather than loads of gravel, which is apparently what has been happening for the last few years. And these would be frozen. But because we have load shedding, it did seem like a bit of a waste of electricity. But these are condoms, which those of you who are good at measurement, you know, you would obviously make sure that they are less than, is it eighty or a hundred mls to do an international flight.

Make sure you can take them on a plane

So anyway, fill them with less than that. Tie a knot and stick them in the freezer. Right? Now, you don’t want these close to your head because it’s still quite, you know, it’s the end of winter in France, so it’s quite cold. So we wouldn’t want to make your head cold. Although if you were smuggling, um, cheese from South Africa, I don’t know why you’d want to smuggle South African cheese, because the cheese. It’s not very good. I mean, it’s good. Much better than it used to be when you could have lyou know, yellow polystyrene or undyed polystyrene with red wax on the back. That was our idea of Gouda. It’s much better than it used to be, especially the Artisinal ones. Actually I haven’t tasted the artisinal ones because the artisinal ones are available from artisinal shops, which I filled – usually – with dickheads.

So, it’s human rights day or don’t be a dickhead day so I can’t really go and visit. You know, say hey, let’s be good to everyone and then go to a place where there’s those dickheads because as you know well as you know, I don’t go out anyway. I do Dad. If Dad’s watching over your shoulder tell him I go out. But when I go out I rarely go to artisinal shops because you know, it’s much easier, you guys, uh, who beat up Poles, well, you know, you’re doing the whole Brexit thing. So if you don’t have to see Polish people easier not to beat them up, right? Or as Ricky Gervais would say racist. Heh, hey, Ricky. Huh? We’re going to start a gang. Right. Anyway, these would be frozen.

Select a hat of your choosing

If you lived in France. So what you would do is you would select a hat of your choosing. So the one that I have selected is this, I dunno, there’s a name for them a tooke or torq or something. Canadians like these hats. So I bought this as a sort of novelty hat when I went on a trip to the States. You can see it says DC. Yeah, it’s blue, because Dad secretly not so secretly, you know, I went to UCT, so that makes me a communist. So, isn’t that weird how actually the communists had red as their color and now the Republicans have red as their color and their Fascists. Anyway, that’s an aside. So you would take one hat, take two frozen condoms, and then you would put them in the bottom hat. Like so.

Then you would take your cheese. Now I don’t have any cheese because my bitch sister-in-law didn’t bring me any cheese. So what I am using instead are these novelty, Grinch shocks, which I thought were appropriate. Also smell a bit of cheese. So we would put our Reblouchon or whatever we have. I think that’s how you say it. That’s the one I really like. You know, just in case there’s anyone coming from France to South Africa this week, who does have space in their suitcase. You would take your cheese. Now I would recommend that you put your cheese, particularly if it is a soft cheese into a plastic bag or if you want to be environmentally friendly, some other non spill, non pocket of your device and you slip those on to your frozen condoms in the hat.

Like so.

And then, wait, I’ve just to make sure beccause you don’t want the frozen condoms touching your head because I think that would make you head quite cold. I mean we could do it the other way in South Africa at the moment if we were taking something from South Africa to Europe. So you know, if you had decided that it was imperative for you to take warthog sausage or a springbok fillet to the UK or something like that (probably those cute little beagles may find you out with that. I don’t know. Are South African sniffer dogs are trained for cheese? They can’t be Otherwise Eve would have been busted yonks ago.) Right. Okay. Then you put the said hat on. Tada cheese smuggling device in place and of course you’re coming from a cold country

So it is perfectly reasonable to wear a hat like this. I should put you further away so that you can get the full glory of that. So anyone here from shark tank – I like cheese, I like novelty hands. I’m in. So that is it.

Works for hot countries too

And of course then if you were going from a hot country to a cold country, it would be more difficult to go with the novelty fluffy hat. You would probably want to go like with, I don’t know, uh, people rant. The foreigners in this country seem to really go for like they look like a cowboy hat but they are made of camouflage fabric. So you could use one of those. You probably couldn’t take much because you know, they’re not like stetsons they have like a really high crown.

I mean I guess you could have one made. Or you could get someone to make all you from Shweshwe fabric, which is a local print fabric. But then you would, in that case, then put, let’s say warthog sausages (my socks will stand in for the sausages) into it and then you’re frozen, (oh God, I’m dropping condoms everywhere. Throwing condoms everywhere.) Then your frozen condoms into the hat and voila. I mean you could wear a hat like this because actually then it would be quite cool and obviously then on the plane, because I don’t know about you, I find planes either really, really hot or really, really cold. (Mum, do the love heart thing. Do a thumbs if you’re watching Momdo you want me to be a social media sensation or not? )

I could be a YouTube Star

You know, someone called Peutipie (also racist, which I just thought I’d point answer, oops, something went wrong. There we go. Uh, which I thought I would just, uh, you know Ricky, uh, uh, just in case you want to be friends. Um, but you know, he has like a gazillion people following him. I’ve got you mum so, give me a thumbs up. I actually don’t think it’s Mom because it doesn’t have face on it, I think it might be somebody whose stolen Mum’s account. Um, but anyway, I’ll tell you later mum about mortar-cam or plumbing-cam or paving-cam, which I am saving for you. I think can transform the South African education industry. So there you go. So what I was saying is that planes often either a ;ittle bit hot or a little bit cold. So this would be a fantastic device.

You could swap around your frozen condoms if you want it to be hotter or colder on the plane. Right, you lot, when you finally wake up on this public holiday or you know, from your normal sleep patterns if you are somebody who is in another timezone.

There was one time when Josh was in hospital and I said to him, I love you so much, my boy, and he said, and you, mum, entirely adequate.

So much for that. Everyone likes me. They just tolerate me being paranoia. Not so much.

I do quite like the feeling of that because there’s weight to the bobble now. Maybe you could find a way to put them inside the bobble so that you could sort of do that and make into a weapon. Especially for you Brexiters who want to beat up Polish people. My neighbors are Polish. I’m going to pop next door and go, hey Martin. I’m not going to do that because he lets me use his laser cutter, well he let’s Chris use his laser cutter and his laser printer and he’s actually really nice and has amazing coffee and his wife is an amazing baker, which I totally don’t know about because I never eat baked goods ever.

And I totally didn’t have a bowl of ice cream last night because you know, you have to get rid of these things when you have no power. Anyway, that is my amazing thing. Tell me what you think. Do you think I have a, you know, I forgot. What was that guy who wrote the book about being that big drug smuggler? Um, you know, a future being a massive cheese smuggler. Please don’t point out to me then I live down the road. (Oh God. I threw a condom across the room). Please don’t point out to me that I live down the road from Thupps and could buy it myself because the point of the cheese smuggling device is:

I’m trying to Guilt my SIL

One, to try it and guilt Eve, my sister in law in into actually trying this, um, go on Eve. I know you want to. And also because it would be really cool and not everybody lives nxt to Thrupps. You’ve got to think of that. Think of mum in the Eastern Cape, she has to take an hour and a half flight if she wants to get imported cheeses. I mean, come on, Eve.

So tell me what you think. Do we have a, is it a Yay or Nay for the cheese smuggling hat? I will see you soon.

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